Bits and Pieces of Here and There: an essay

Familiarity is hitting the snooze button when the alarm clock goes off at the same time every day, wait— except for Thursday afternoon, for whatever reason. I do not remember why now, but I knew then. It is also the forever calm before the storm, except the storm never came and I am stuck with the uneasy feeling for a long time, and familiarity is finding comfort in perturbation.

Despite the tenderness of many things in life, the constant mention and praying for a hopeful future, it is ironic that I am deep into reminiscing about the past. I tell myself that this is me validating my younger self and tending to my teenage angst. Finding solace in the familiar discomforting setting is the only way I know how to function. I feel safe this way.

My artworks have always been personal. Inspired by daily shenanigans and personal space, they are embodied with ambiguous figures, vibrant colours that sometimes are accompanied by sentences, or poems borrowed from my journals. When I mentioned journals, I also mean the things I write on loose post-it notes, in my phone, the conversations I have with people and overheard gossip. Personally, despite the uncertainty state the subjects in my paintings are in, including texts in them helps to narrow down the narration.

Backgrounds that are either open landscapes or corners of a room can be seen in my works. They are usually a collection of places where my headspace was at that time. They are loosely inspired by the actual situation or just an expression of the circumstances I want them to be in. I started ‘Of Perseverance and Misery’ and ‘Fake it til You Fake it Some More’ at the same time, alternating between both for a few months until I could not make either of them work like how I have imagined. I ended up back on the sketches, working on the compositions and colours for a few months while getting started on the rest of the artworks.

Before I decided to name it ‘Of Perseverance and Misery’, I called the painting ‘the lady on the wall’ when I was struggling with it for months. Mind you, it was the beginning of the first lockdown in 2020 and there was not much to do. I spent most of my days in the studio talking to her about all the things that have been happening around me and updating her with current news as if she exists, as if we were vocally interacting, connecting. The conversations lasted for a few weeks and recalling the situation now, I only talked to her and never to the rest of my works. While I found a sentimental connection to the painting, I also learned that I was rationalising my emotions to myself by monologuing aloud. The painting and the title itself reflected who I was in that specific span of time during the pandemic.

The idea of exploring liminality does not only apply to the visuals I want or have created, but these works also focus on questions that determine our existence. In 'Fake it til You Fake it Some More’, there is a semi-transparent ambiguous figure accompanying the main subject and texts such as “I am terrified of change” and “How do I be comfortable if I can’t.” In a way, it is a response to self-exploration and becomes an open-ended question not only to me as an artist, but also to those who find relevance in figuring out their inner and outer selves. Birds can be seen in the open landscape and in a separate canvas, suggesting that liberation is an option regardless of the self-confusion.

One of the questions I get asked a lot is why are there at least two figures in my artworks? Who are they? What is their relationship? This all goes back to me questioning my existence in the mundanity of every life, talking to myself out loud. I would have a full-blown conversation with myself, interacting as if there are two different people arguing and rationalising with each other. ‘Meeting of the Mind’ is a reflection between criticism and reassurance one would have with themselves. While there are no endings to some of my contemplations, I do feel like this is a good exercise for me to be more optimistic about myself in general.

Loosely painted figures and vibrant colours work in a way to conceal the melancholia of the liminal self which cannot be easily placed into a single category of existence, and this is also a way for me to create freely where I have control over, given that the apparent reality is not so freeing. 'An Intervention for a Destructive Behaviour’ is about being held accountable for reckless habits. Five figures in different hues can be seen in a room in a confrontational manner. Being put in a spot and in a confined space is supposed to evoke an uneasy feeling because, nobody likes to be called out for the irresponsible actions we did and are aware of doing. There is a small peeping window, and in a small canvas separated from this painting, is a figure looking into the whole situation. This suggests that this is not the first time that this has happened as the situation looked too familiar.

While the visuals help to convey the content of the works, the process in the studio also plays a significant role in making them happen. I also believe that prior to making the artworks, my emotions contribute to how they will unravel by the end of the day. From expressive brush strokes, crooked lines, and the vibrant colour palette, not only are they carefully placed to complement the composition, but shapes are dissociated from their original meaning and interpretation becomes multifaceted.

I spent my time indulging on the last painting in this series, ‘Lonely Conversation’. While the rest of the paintings needed supporting details (read: small accompanying canvases), I made the right decision in making this lonesome painting speak for itself. Posed in a more relaxed manner, followed by a vast landscape and striking brushstrokes, it is a suggestion that turbulence occurs in every aspect of life, we can only control certain things or certain actions to an extent; beyond that, it is best to embrace it. Hence, this line to supports the painting:

“Funny how we’ve been burned so many times, yet we stayed long enough to see the sun rise.”

I am constantly looking for answers to questions I do not have, and a glutton for punishment for reminiscing about the past despite being eager to move forward. It is a weird space to be in.

Sarah Radzi

Rawang, Selangor

26/07/2023

Dancing the Jitters Away, 2021